When a relationship ends, it is nearly impossible to remember the positives immediately after the breakup. In retrospect, this is because focusing on the good that has been lost only makes the pain more intense, and the absence of the person associated with those memories becomes intolerable. As a defense mechanism, we tend to focus on all that was wrong; from the major to the trivial, shoving aside all the love there was and glazing it over to force distance, to give us time to heal. This does not mean that we ‘never really loved’ that person. Indeed, one could say that the breakup is only painful when the love was real. And the more intense the love, the harder it is to not forgive, to not accept those little things that we end up clinging to like a lifeboat in the wreckage.
In the end, when someone leaves us – for whatever reason, mix of reasons, or what we would feel is no real reason at all, we have a choice. We can either wither and die when the winter comes, and the light of the person we loved is no longer shining in our sky, or we can try and find reason the only way we can. By taking all the things, big and small, that we forgave in the past, and using them to shore up the walls inside us, until time can help heal us. This scaffolding is never pretty, ornate or worth keeping around for any longer than absolutely necessary – but for a time, it is the shell that holds us up when all that supported our heart and soul has crashed, burned and vanished.
I am not asking for pity; and I would be insulted to receive any. I am not asking for forgiveness; I know I was sick beyond reasonable thought, and still in the very end, I behaved in a way I never have before, and do not believe in. The only two people on this planet that I would like forgiveness from are her, and myself (and I am working on it). Why, you may ask, do I even care if she ever forgives me? The answer is simple – I have forgiven her. *I* cannot live sheathed in hurtful memories and angry words, even though I still feel them from time to time. My choice is very clear – forgiveness. She discovered things about herself that she had buried for years, and when we ended, it was at a bad time, and it was truly horrible. And then it was worse. And now, six months later, I cannot begin to describe the mix of hurt, anger and outright sadness I feel every day. But those times are tempered with better things, projects to keep my mind busy, focusing on my children, and many other things. There is laughter, jokes and outright silliness – because there has to be. I can either dwell in my own darkness and die in the shadows, or I can take steps into the spring – bathe briefly in the light, until the darkness overshadows my heart. Then I deal, feel, hurt… and work up the courage to step out again into the light.
For *anyone* who has ever had loss – I wish this for you. And I wish this for her too.
